Monday, May 25, 2009

Words I will never say, I promise.


You know how there are little sayings or phrases that when, used often, drive you absolutely, certifiably, ridiculously flipping crazy? Or a word that just makes you cringe, even if you don't hear it very often? I admit, sometimes little things get to me (Tom, I said I admit it. Now stop nodding your head and saying "yeah, no sh*t!" and get back on topic here). I have kept a list in my head of things I will never say, no matter what. Today you have the opportunity to peek at the inner workings of my brain. You're welcome.

If you catch me saying any of these things you hereby have my permission to slap me upside the head. Repeatedly.

In no particular order:

Anyhoo - I hate this. It's anyhow. Who started this and thought it was funny? It's not. This should only be used in one context, and you must say it with your lower jaw locked securely in place without moving your mouth if possible. "I just can't keep good help these days, Muffy (or Bitsy or Tippy), good servants are impossible to find. Anyhoo, have you seen the new pool boy?"

Tool - No, not the Home Depot type. More like "It was such a nice day yesterday, so I decided to tool around town on my mountain bike." Could also be said with a locked jaw, see above.

Journey, used in conjunction with Amazing - I see this a lot on talk shows and celebrity interviews. And my friends, I swear the Soulsta oath that if and when I am published, I will never, I repeat NEVER say this in an interview: "Yes, it was difficult, but it was an amazing journey. Let me tell you about it." or "My writing has been an amazing journey..." or any other version of it. Blah blah blah... you say this when you have nothing else to say. Says me.

Orientated - It is ORIENTED people, not orientated. Get it straight. The word doesn't exist. And to be completely honest here, I snicker behind your back when you say it.

Hoot - I will never do anything, ever, in my life that will require me to utter the words "That was a hoot!" I mean, seriously, have you ever enjoyed yourself so much that you actually hooted? No, I didn't think so. And if you did, well, we can't be friends.

Big words I don't know the meaning of - I dated a guy who loved big words. They made him feel big too I guess. And that's ok if you know what you're talking about and use of the word comes naturally to you. But I knew some of them were wrong so, me being me, I would look them up. His favorite was catamount, as in "It was exhilarating! It was catamount to climbing Mt Everest." Catamount is a noun, an animal of the cat family. Naturally I looked it up and waited for the next opportunity. When he said it, I pounced (much like a catamount) and told that pompous ass, in a very nice way, that perhaps his word knowledge was "tantamount" to my interest in our relationship, i.e. limited. (Same guy who said orientated with some regularity).

Coolio - you know who you are, user of this word. My teenager is mortified enough when I reply to anything with the affirmative "Cool." Which, no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me when I tell her that it was me who coined the popular one word phrase. (I also gave the Cheetah Girls their name, but that's another story). But there is someone I know, perhaps in an effort to redefine the hip parent, takes it as step further. As in - Daughter - "Hey, I got a 100 on my Science quiz!" Person who remains nameless - "Coolio!" So very wrong.

What words or sayings drive you crazy? Share them with me and if you hear me saying them, well, chances are I'm just doing it to irritate you.

1 comment:

TK said...

I find it exhilarating that none of the words list are used by me (ya right)...well anyway if you wish to continue this discussion "youz guys" are welcome to join me in the "jacuz" but please stop by the "refridge" on the way and grab a beer for us. By the way I am hungry, would you happen to have any "ravs" for dinner?