Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Do Not Disturb

Yeah, I'm still not feeling myself (wonder if I'm having Ziggy withdrawals?) and can't even begin to tell you how much stuff I have to do today... I promised myself I would focus on the rewrites all day today so if you're looking for me, please stop.

In light of that, today's creativity is dedicated to the book and by default, supporting my husband in his pursuit of retiring early and golfing all day. You see, this book is going to change everything. How, you ask?

Here's the sequence of events:
  • I finish rewrites, finally!

  • The agent who has the partial loves the full manuscript and wants me. She wants me bad. Two syllable bad, baa-aad.

  • Another agent, the one I really really like, requests the full. She wants me too.

  • Agent 1 sends me flowers to get me to sign. Agent 2 sends me a big bowl of bing cherries.

  • I sign with Agent 2, since she has read my blog and knows how I feel about bing cherries.

  • Publishers fight for the right to publish my book, we go to a bidding war and Random House wins. Nicholas Sparks, Stephanie Myers, Stephen King and Jodi Picoult all call me to personally offer endorsements of my book.

  • It's published, hits NYT bestseller list in the second week and gets to the Number One spot in week five. Where it stays for 12 more weeks.

  • People everywhere are talking about the book. "Hey, have you read the new SharonK?"

  • I make a few visits to book clubs in between signings on my book tour.

  • The president of the book club TK's ex-creature belongs to asks her to ask me to come speak. They toss her out of the club for refusing. I bring cookies to their meeting and they say things like "We like you so much more than that bitter old hag. Actually, we never did like her."

  • My agent calls, wants to negotiate the film rights. Well, ok, if you must...

  • Ziggy, Moose and TK join me for the European book signing, as the foreign rights were sold some time ago and those Europeans just love me.

  • TK's ex is brought up on assault and battery charges after she punched one of the kid's teachers. Poor Ms. Smith said she heard we were somehow related, and could the ex get me to sign a book for her since I am her absolute favorite author.

  • My publicist says Oprah still wants to feature me as her Book of the Month, even though I won't appear on her show. I still haven't forgiven her for playing favorites during the election. She apologizes profusely. I still say no.

  • TK is playing a lot of golf.

  • Moose doesn't ask for much so I surprise him with a new car. And though it has nothing to do with my book, Sweetie Pie is back in the picture and they're talking serious stuff.

  • Would I like to consult on the movie? Oh, ok. Nick Jonas would be great as the young man in the book. Oh look, filming is during Ziggy's school break, what a coincidence, she'll have to tag along.

  • Book Two is out. Pre-sales put it at the top of the NYT bestseller list. Stephanie Myers texts congrats to me.

  • Doreen, who quit her day job to be my publicist, is named to People Magazine's list of Best Dressed.

  • I take a break from writing Book Three to check up on the kitchen remodel that's going on at our lake house. The big one we bought last year up north.

  • Nick Jonas gives Ziggy a promise ring, assuring me they'll wait til she's done with med school to marry.

  • His parents come over for dinner a lot. We're great friends.

  • Moose and Sweetie Pie get married and buy the house down the street, so my grandchildren will be close by.

  • TK plays in a Pro-Am with Tiger Woods. They win.

  • Reese Witherspoon walks into a hotel lobby and someone says "You look just like SharonK!"

Now do you see why I have to focus on the rewrites today?


Doreen said...

I love it, true to form you've got it all worked out! BTW, I'm coming on the European book tour too, afterall I am your publicist.

TK said...

SB - no wonder why I love you so much. I have no problem seeing myself as a kept man....but remember, speak to Oprah long enough to tell her where she can go

Anonymous said...

KJ hear:

I'd read that book even before it went on the Beast Seller List!

Shhh, I hear re-writing going on :::backing quietly out of THE Sanctified Space:::