Monday, September 14, 2009

Pie oh my!

It's pie season!!! Yay!!!

I know my way around the kitchen fairly well. I have all the appropriate devices, pots, pans and utensils and for the most part I know how to use them. (Yes, I do know how to use the mandolin. Just because I took an eighth of my pinky off with it doesn't mean I don't know how to use it).

And while I'm not a gourmet cook I definitely am not ashamed of my culinary skills.

But cooking is one thing. Baking however, well, that's quite another. Doreen, she's a baker. Not only do her cakes taste good, they look good.

Except for the one she made for Tom's birthday. It tasted awesome - see all that delicious raspberry filling oozing out of the center? Yum! I call it Edu-cake. Because we learned a valuable lesson here. We can't all be pretty on the outside but it really is what's on the inside that counts.

Anyway years ago I became the apple pie lady to my friends and family. One recipe mastered and I'm the expert for life. It's true. My apple pie is a thing of beauty. It really is. I wish I could be humble but I just can't.

My apple pie rocks.

But I'm not that kind of girl. I don't share my pie with everyone. It's special. Want some? I bet you do. But you need to be special, too.

My sister knows I bake the most incredible pie. My sister doesn't bake. So when she wants pie, what do you think she does? Yeah, you know it. She comes a-knockin'.

I baked her a pie last year. A delicious, sweet, flaky-crusted pocket of sweet heaven. And because I am who I am, I don't bake pies in tin foil toss-aways. No sirree. I baked her pie in a nice solid glass Pyrex pie plate. Not only is it better for the environment but also it doesn't cut her tongue when she licks the bottom of it.

So I'm a great apple pie baker. And I'm thoughtful.
Last week I mention to Spendy that I'm going apple picking. Later that day I get a text:

"I'm placing my order for apple pie now. Please let me know when I can pick it up. THANKS"

Seriously??? Somewhere in the depths of Spendy's house there's a sad little Pyrex pie plate calling for it's mama.

I gently remind her of this with sisterly affection. "You lying thieving sister who steals plates is asking me for what? No pie for you."

A day goes by. Maybe two. I get another text from Spendy. "Pie plate in trunk. Where can we make the exchange?"

It may just be me but I'm sensing desperation. Emotion doesn't come across a text message very well but I can feel it just the same.

I've been through this before. Spendy wants what she wants and she's not above lying to get it. I channel my inner Pyrex. I imagine if I were my pie plate, where would I be? I sense darkness. And dust bunnies.
In a non-judgemental, loving way I share my concern. "Gimme back my plate! I want my freakin' plate back! You broke it, I bet you broke it! No pie until I see the plate! Must. See. Plate."

Sometime during the night this text appears: "Pie plate is in my possession. Name the location. No need to involve police. Or Mrs. Smith."

I don't have to tell you that my sister and I are not just sisters. We're friends, too. I remind her of this in my next text. "LIAR!!"

Sometimes one word is enough.

Her next text suggests a sense of urgency. She knows I have apples. She knows how delicately flaky my pie crust is. Spendy's on the run.

Bling, bling. Two photos arrive on my cell phone.

Followed by "Plate unharmed and secure. Blindfolded for it's own protection."

Hmmm. Looks like there's a pie in her future after all.


Anonymous said...

Aha, Spendy was just holding it for ransom - payment? Another pie!
Smart woman, that. Cuz I bet Spendy knows you can't buy a great pie cuz GREAT PIES are made with love. Oh, and sugar, apples and stuff.

Doreen said...

I think that she definitely deserves a pie, that was really very clever and funny of her to do!

TK said...

didn't include someone else in her plot? as i remember she didn't return it herself because she fears you!!

Brainy said...

1. i was an accomplice to spendy's plot. did you think spendy could pull off a master plan like that alone?

2. spendy bakes great chocolate chip cookies and brownies.

SharonK said...

Ok Spendy... Brainy gave you up, I knew someone else had to be involved!

So here's the deal - Pie for cookies and brownies. No negotiations.

I prefer oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and walnuts in my brownies. THANKS!