Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Cleaning house

I have a love/hate relationship with face book.

I love it because It helps me stay in touch with friends and family that in the past I would not talk to for months because of distance or time just slips away from us. I admit I am guilty of face book stalking from time to time. Don't judge, I'm sure you do it too.

On the other hand I hate face book. It changes constantly, I think someone over there at face-book-headquarters whose name is probably Satan, has only function, and that is to figure out ways to make things more difficult for people to figure out, oh and to create annoying things like FarmVille, CookVille and CritterVille.

Over the past year I've come to realize there are all types of people on face book, I've broken them down and listed a few:

Friend Whores: These are the people who just like to have as many friends as they possibly can, strangers, the mailman, your friend's cousin that you met once when you were four... let's be face book friends! The more the merrier!! Maybe it makes them feel like they are truly loved. Whatever.

TMI Tellers: Sink sex? Good for you. You know what would be more interesting than reading about the details of your sink sex-capade? If you posted pictures.

Chronic Complainers: Every single thing they type is negative. "I seriously hate my job", "I'm so broke", "I hurt my leg", "My leg still hurts", "Why is my leg still hurting?", "My boss is mean to me, it's his fault my leg hurts". Take a prozac and step away from the computer. Seriously.

Fakers: If your life were really that wonderful, you wouldn't be spending 90% of your time on face book. Admit it.

So, I've started the de-friending process. By the time I'm done, I'll probably only have like 20 friends left ... but at least my wall won't be filled with meaningless crap from people that I don't even speak to, ever. I just don't have the time to filter through the BS when I log into Face Book.

After all ... I'm much too busy with all my friends, that is when I'm not having sex on my sink, because my leg hurts, but it's all good because I just LOVE MY LIFE!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Some Advice

Whatever it is, whatever is holding you back, I have some advice.

Next time you say, think or type any of these words -


Can't be


Wanna be


Should be


Would like to be


Wish I could


Why can't I


When can I


Why shouldn't I


Why should I


It's difficult


It's challenging


It's confusing


Too soon


Too late


Too far


I want to but


He's holding me back


She's holding me back


No time


No money


No nerve


No support


Listen to me carefully. Whatever it is, stop procrastinating, plug your nose, close your eyes and step off the cliff.

Even if the water is cold and the cliff is steep "I jumped!" makes for a much better story than "Me? Jump? Uh no, but the view was pretty."


You can thank me later. Or now. Now is good, too.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Test

Dear Job Applicants,

Yes, there is a position open.

And I am sure you're well qualified.

But if you want it, I mean really want it, why not read the ad? Well, yes, clearly you read the posting or you wouldn't have applied but I mean the entire job posting.

Yes, the whole thing.

Did you do that?

No. You didn't.

How do I know?

Because I knew I needed to hire someone that paid attention to detail. Someone who wouldn't balk if I, or a client, asked for something that wasn't within your realm of "normal". And you're just not that person. I want someone who does first and questions later. Or doesn't question at all. Know what I miss? Secretaries who get coffee.

I digress.

So if you are job seeking, seriously looking for good, steady employment then for heaven's sake, you should have read the ad!

Don't scramble and run back and try to fix it now. Too late.

You missed one important detail. Perhaps the most important detail. Because if you had included this but not your name I still would have read your resume. See right after the job description and before the benefits? Yes, right there. See that? What does it say?

Please reply via email with Admin/Your Name in the subject line and a resume attached in a Word document. To be considered, your email introduction must include your full name, desired salary, anything about you that stands out, questions you may have, your favorite color and your contact information.

Now you see it, don't you? Include your favorite color.

Because I really want to know you as a person? Nope.

Because I am studying color and the effects it has on the employer/employee relationship? Good guess but not even remotely close.

Because I care that you love purple and that you find it so uplifting and vibrant? Um, no, actually I don't.

By not including it in your email you saved me the trouble of having to read your resume.

Can't follow directions? Skim over information and miss a detail that's not important to you but could be vastly important to someone else? Judge me for asking, will you?

Delete. Delete. Delete.

To be honest I should thank you for not including this trifling bit of information. By not fulfilling my request, I only had to read 40 resumes, instead of 320. Hours I would've spent poring over resumes were instead spent creating mind-numbing spreadsheets. Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't thank you after all.

Come to think of it, yes I will thank you - Job seeker, thank you very much for not paying attention. You've freed up my workday and made my job that much easier.

Sincerely,

The Employer You Won't Be Working For

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Should Be...


It's not that I procrastinate. I really don't.

I'm a List Maker with a capital "L".

And I derive intense pleasure from crossing off each and every little thing on that list.

But there are days when the nagging voice in my head that closely resembles my own (hey at least it doesn't sound like my mother, can you imagine???) reminds me that what I am doing is not constructive, productive, accumalative, creative or any other word ending in -ive.

Right now?

What I am doing - posting to the blog I've neglected.

What I should be doing - performance reviews for employees.

Earlier this morning?

What I was doing - sleeping.

What I should have been doing - working out.

Last night?

What I was doing - watching American Idol and eating Moose Tracks ice cream while curled up with Ziggy.

What I should have been doing - lease comparisons, website updates, revising spreadsheets, reports, reports, reports. Oh and some reports.

Not to say I'm a slacker. Far from it. But there are some days that I shift priorities away from what I should be doing to what I want to be doing.

I'm thinking today might be one of those days. So if we happen to cross paths and you catch me (gasp!) reading a book in the middle of the day or taking a walk that doesn't remotely increase my heart rate please don't stare and point and cover your gaping mouth with your hand in horror. No need to make me feel guilty for my lack of accomplishment - the voice in my head is right there with me, mocking me as I bake cookies for no reason whatsoever.

Listen, before you get all this-isn't-the-Sharon-I-know-and-who-or-what-has-possessed-her-body on me, take a step back. Don't call the freak police just yet - even when I'm not Type A on the outside, it doesn't come without excessive self-induced guilt. Trust me on this. The Type A on the inside won't let this leisurely creature exist for very long. I'll be back to my driven, over-achieving, list-making, goal-setting, schedule-adhering self before long.

But for right now I am now going to sit and stare at a wall and dream of a day when the stars will align, all will be right in the world and if I'm very, very lucky, what I want to do and what I am doing will turn out to be exactly the same thing.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oh Morning... why are you here?


4:47 a.m. It feels like it's time to get up. Please don't let it be time to get up. If I look at the alarm clock I might find it is time to get up and I really don't want to know. But if it's not time to get up I should find out so I can go back to sleep, right?

4:48 a.m. One eye peek. Just look at the alarm clock. If I do it quick the clock won't even notice me looking.

4:49 a.m. Oh bless you alarm clock! I can go back to sleep.

5:12 a.m. Why can't I go back to sleep?

5
:36 a.m. Am I in the office today or telecommuting? Because if I'm telecommuting then I probably should've brought home that file on Ms. I'm-So-Entitled so I can prepare for her unemployment hearing.

5:41 a.m. I can't stand Ms. Entitled. Who does she think she is?

5:59 a.m. Must be time to wake up. Ok, I'll just get up now.

6:00 a.m. Ha! I can still sleep for another hour. Or I can get up and work out before anyone else wakes up. Or, I know, I'll get up and write! Yes, I'll get up, make a cup of coffee and write!

6:03 a.m. By the time I finish getting dressed and putting my sneakers on I won't get much of a workout. Guess I'll write instead.

6:12 a.m. That was weird. I blinked and eight minutes went by. There's no way I fell back to sleep. Ok, time to get up and write. Who am I kidding? By the time my laptop is up and running the whole house will be awake. I'll go back to sleep, I'll feel better with some more sleep.

6:30 a.m. Why do I set the alarm to wake up Ziggy, knowing I don't actually have to get up for another half hour? Remind myself later to buy Zig her own alarm clock. I really should keep a pad of paper next to the bed so I don't forget what I need to remember to do.

6:38 a.m. Ziggy's been woken up. Twice. I can probably close my eyes for a few more minutes. Yeah, that'd be good.

6:43 a.m. Is that Zig running water in the bathroom or is the heat turning on? I should make sure she's really awake.


6:48 a.m. What am I wearing today? Dress up for work or dress down to clean my file cabinets out? Hmmm... not in the mood for big girl clothes so dress down it is. Jeans, sneakers and white t-shirt. Easy.

6:55 a.m. If I write a blog entitled "How White Are You?" will readers be offended? Will they still be offended if the post is addressed to my drawer full of white, semi-white and grey-ish white t-shirts?


6:58 a.m. I really should wear that white Duran Duran t-shirt Babs Killabez gave me... Definitely sometime soon. Not today. But soon.

7:00 a.m. What on earth is that dreadful noise and where it is coming from? It is so not time to get up yet. Ugh. Apparently it is. Whatever. Y
ou win, morning. I'm up.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Blogger Award!!!

I follow myself with a Google Alert.

No idea why I started this, but it's a great way to keep track of who else is talking about me on the web. When my name is mentioned on a site, I receive an email alert. Cool, huh?

Oddly enough, I get emails on a regular basis.

Not so odd, the website that features my name pretty regularly is, um, this one.
So imagine my surprise when my Google Alert yesterday told me someone other than me was talking about me. And sure enough, there I was on on the fabulously funny Little Ms. J's site, getting a little blog love.

Many blog sites will award blog awards to other sites that they love, adore, respect, follow or worship daily.

Not sure what prompted Ms. J to nominate me but if I had to guess... all of the above perhaps???

So.

I am now the proud owner of the Blogger Buddy Award.



Yes indeedy.


I.
Am. Somebody.

I think, though I could be wrong (in which case just hush up and pretend I'm right) that I am supposed to post 5 random things about myself as recipient of this award and, in turn, pass the award on to 5 other sites that I love, adore, respect and worship daily.

So here goes:

1. I love a good debate. Not just an argument for argument's sake but an intelligent discourse with someone who can defend their position in a calm, reasonable tone without resorting to "Oh yeah??? Well, well, well... you're dumb".

2. I would rather lose a debate than win one. And will respect that person forever for making it impossible for me to win.

3. I can spell almost anything backwards. esaelP t'nod tboud em. gnitanicsaF tnsi ti?

4. From the time I was 8 until I was about 13, I had convinced myself there was a pretty good chance I was adopted. Turns out it was just wishful thinking.

5. My most embarassing moment as a child involved recess, a nose full of snots and a giant sneeze. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

And my Blogger Buddie Awards go to:



Amy at Amy Sue Nathan - Editor extraordinaire, spewer of great advice and soon-to-be-famous author.



Debbie at Suburb Sanity - A unique perspective on, well, just about everything.



Jen at Cake Wrecks - When I'm in need of a laugh, I go here.



Jon at Stuff Christians Like - I talked my pastor into taking the "How Metrosexual is Your Worship Leader" quiz featured on this blog.

So there you have it, 5 random things about me, 5 awesome blogs for you to visit today - after you comment, that is!

Happy Friday!!!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Three Words of Advice


Last week I blew through Meg Waite Clayton's novel, The Wednesday Sisters.

I have only three words of advice for those who haven't read it - BUY THIS BOOK.

Seriously.

Ok, I'm lying.

Not about buying the book. About only saying three words.

As you may have noticed, I've become cynical when reading a new or new-to-me author. Actually I've become cynical about some of my old stand-by authors too.

A dwindling pile of books to read demanded I go to B&N, where I may have overlooked this treasure. But the book gods interceded, so an errand to Target (where I never buy books. Ever.) and a tight schedule had me wandering past the endcap where The Wednesday Sisters were hanging out, calling my name. How could I resist?

I'm not going to ruin it for you. Or even provide a synopsis.

What I will tell you is this - the woman standing in the corner with her back to you in the lobby of the Hilton, well, that was me.

I didn't want you, or anyone else, to see me sobbing and laughing at the same time. I'm pretty sure my nose was running, too. Sure, maybe I should've stopped reading and waited until I was alone. But... I couldn't put it down. Yes, it's that good.

Now why are you still online? Go buy this book. NOW.