Monday, July 26, 2010

I Regret...


Nothing.

It's true.

I have lived a lot of life in my 40 years (shut up. I am.) and even if I think really, really hard about it...

I regret nothing.

Don't misunderstand. There are things I have done or contributed to that I am vastly embarrassed about.

My hair, for example.

From 1986 until about 1992.




My choice in men.

From, uh, 1985 until perhaps 2001.

The thank you notes that I didn't send.

The time Doreen and I sent spoons to a couple of guys in a restaurant, so they could share our dessert with us.

Which um, they didn't.

The snots I blew all over my pants when I sneezed. In a very public place.

The ice cream-Doritos-leftover-Mexican-Snickers-bars-oreos-frozen-pizza feast I gorged on while watching back to back Meg Ryan flicks.

Believing that this time Spendy really would pay me back the allowance she borrowed.

Decisions I made that weren't appropriate, smart or sane.

Embarrassing?

Yes.

Stupid?

Perhaps.

Regretful?

Well, no.

Of course there are people I may have offended in some way or another but trust me when I say I never offend people with intent or malice.

And if I have offended you in any way you need to know it really wasn't you.

It was me.

I am quite adept at getting those flipper feet of mine lodged firmly in my mouth. And do it with some regularity.

But do I regret it?

Not exactly.

Everything I've done, all the mistakes - big and small (and there were some BIG ones) - have brought me to where I am.

And I like where I am.

Having said that...

If you ever, ever, and I mean ever catch me with mousse in one hand and hot rollers in the other, slap me.

Please.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Paco's New Friends



Once again, I Paco Suave, am a guest blogger here on the Reality Covered in the Chocolate.

I like chocolate.

Is very good on bananas.

Reality, not so much.

Some of my amigos invite me to a lobster fiesta. We no have lobster where I come from.

So I go.

My English no much good so instead of the talk, I share with you the photos.



Of course I no feed lobster.

Paco eat lobster.

Stupido sign.





Make room in the jacuzzi for Paco!

Good thing I bring my Speedo today.





No! No big lobsters in the jacuzzi!

Okay, Paco come out to play with you, big lobster guy.




This is fun!

Now you be King Kong, I be the lady with the dress.





Hee hee, that tickles. Stop big lobster guy!




Don't eat me! Please lobster guy, don't eat me!!

You no want to eat Paco? Ah, that good.

Then what you doing?

No wait, don't kiss me!

Please big lobster guy, don't kiss Paco!!!


Big lobster guy needs a breath mint.

Now Paco know why we no have lobsters in my town.




Friday, July 16, 2010

The Big Kids



I've been a bad blogger. I know I have.

And I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to make excuses but...

I have excuses.

Four of them actually.

As life has transitioned and settled in with the Little Kids - as much as life can "settle in" with two pre-schoolers - the Big Kids are moving on and moving out.

I can't believe how fast it's gone by. Wasn't it just yesterday that Moose was doing the chicken dance in kindergarten? And when did Ziggy get longer legs than me???

Three weeks ago Ziggy graduated eighth grade and all of a sudden, she's a freshman.

Two weeks ago four hulking boys, no men, came to my house, loaded a truck with 23 years worth of Moose stuff and just like that, my boy was out in the world.


In the time it took to say "momma, look!!!" we've gone from this



to this


to this


to this


to this


to this


to this


and just a few weeks ago



to this



I blinked.

I blinked and suddenly Ziggy wasn't rushing to the door, screaming "mommy!!!" and wrapping her arms around my legs as if she hadn't just seen me an hour ago.

I blinked and Moose went from an unassuming boy who preferred video games over people to a man with a firm handshake, an easygoing manner and a cocky "I know things" expression.

Where did the time go?

Did we enjoy every moment to the fullest? Did I tell them I loved them enough? Did they learn what they needed to learn to be good, upright, respectful adults? Did we have fun?

Before I know it there will be another graduation for Ziggy. A promotion for Moose. Disappointments. Love. Heartaches. Engagements. Weddings. Grandchildren.

I don't want to miss any of it.

I don't think I'll ever blink again.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Where's Alice?


Dear Alice,

When Carol and Mike made the life changing decision to blend their families and create the happy chaos that became their world, you were there for them.Thick and thin. Good times and bad.

You were the glue that held that family together and you know it.

Every time Carol was in the kitchen, whether she was preparing a snack for the cheerleaders after practice or a gourmet meal of pork chops and applesauce for her family, there you were.

When Marcia's date for the school dance canceled, you rallied to find a substitute better than the original. When the kids came down with measles, you were their Florence Nightengale. Whatever Mike and Carol needed to make their lives easier, you did it - and Carol didn't even work outside the home!

All day every day, you were there for them. Even your relationship with Sam the Butcher was put on hold for "your family".

And what did you get in return?

Really Alice, take a moment.

Remember this? Yeah, you may have been smiling but who were you kidding?


What kind of people were they that they would let this happen to you? I shudder to even think about it.

So where are they now?

Alice look, the kids are grown and gone. Greg is too busy with his career to return your calls. Cindy doesn't even send you Christmas cards since she's gone all new age or whatever. And don't even get me started on Peter. I know it sounds hurtful but I'm telling you this in love.

They just don't need you anymore.

But here's the thing - I do. We do!

Just imagine all the fun we could have chasing around the rug rats, cheering Ziggy on at competitions, helping Moose decorate his new house and hey, TK loves pork chops and applesauce!

I may not have the groovy clothes and blonde flip that Carol sported back in the day but maybe you'll come to love me anyway. C'mon at least give it a try. What do you have to lose???

Listen - I've never had to share my kitchen, but I will. The menu planning, the meal prep and the boundless joy I experience from cleaning up meal after meal after meal will all be yours.

I will selflessly give it over to your capable hands. My gift to you, Alice.

And even though laundry duty is my personal source of happiness I will gladly cede the immense pleasure I get from sorting, washing, drying and folding so that you can do what you do best. There's a glow about you that can only be achieved when you're carrying a full basket of clean clothes.

I bet you miss that. I can help you get it back.

Mopping, scrubbing, vacuuming - hey, it will be a sacrifice for me to give these things up but for
you? I would give these things up for nobody.

Nobody but
you, Alice.

We both know relinquishing the abundant delight I receive from managing this household will be a challenge for me. But knowing you will be by my side as I leaf through magazines and pull out new recipes for you to prepare will make it all worthwhile.

The next chapter in your life is starting Alice - be bold!

Don't settle for humdrum when you can have it all, right here, right now!

Embrace a new adventure!

Live a life worth living once again!

Your room and uniform are waiting, Alice. You deserve it. Now come get it!


- Sharon