Friday, April 1, 2011
"So it's the big day, huh?"
"Too bad it's such an unlucky number."
"Who's trying to be funny? Ides of March, right? That was on the fifteenth. Really bad day for Caesar."
"That was March. My birthday's in April."
"But still. Fifteen. Dude was killed. Had to be the worst day of his life."
"Whatever. Still not funny. Or relevant."
"If you were Jewish it would be different. You'd have a bat mitzvah. That would be fun."
"That's at thirteen mom, not fifteen."
"Exactly! If you were having a bat mitzvah at fifteen that would be very unlucky. Since all your friends would've done it two years earlier. So you'd be, like, the slow kid. Short bus."
"You feeling ok?"
"Though I suppose if we were Hispanic, you'd have a quesadilla. That might have been nice."
"Ugh. It's a quincenera!"
"It is? Well I've never had one but it doesn't sound nearly as tasty as quesadilla."
"Mom, I think we're good here. You can stop talking now."
"Ok well... no, wait. What about Abigail?"
"Taylor Swift's friend? You know in the song, Fifteen?"
"Where are you going with this?"
"Ziggy please. "Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind." And she was... you guessed it. Fifteen. Sad, really."
"What is wrong with you?"
"I'm just saying. If you can get this one over fairly quick it would be better for us both."
"Oh because I can make 365 days go by in what, like 240?"
"Might be worth looking into, Zig. I mean, what's 15 anyway? Not even it's own number. It takes a 1 and a 5 to make 15. And when you add one and five together you get six. You see what I'm saying?"
"Six, Ziggy. You get six. Exactly the age I was when my first pet, a sweet little stripey thing we called Tiger, ripped my pajamas to shreds while I was wearing them. While I was wearing them, Ziggy! Can you imagine how traumatized I was?"
"About as traumatized as I'm going to be after this conversation?"
"I'm just saying. Fifteen, well it's kind of the black eye of birthdays. Something nobody really wants. No one ever says "Black eye? Why yes, that'd be awesome!" You see, it's like the Lindsay Lohan of birthdays, just you know, really messed up. No wait, it's like - "
"Great mom. Good talk."
"Oh, right. Good talk. Yup. And hey - happy birthday Ziggy."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I don't care who you are. No one thinks poop is awesome.
People who think they are awesome. And are wrong. A.k.a not awesome.
It doesn't matter if it's a friend, an employee or a dog, disappearing is just not awesome.
The only exception to the above rule. Exes = not awesome. Exes who disappear? Totally awesome.
Loading my razor up with toothpaste. That really could've hurt.
My BFF watching me do the above.
Listing charity work on your resume that you didn't actually do. Not only not awesome but really kind of jerky too. Yeah, talking to you DT.
Stupid girls who don't know how awesome Moose is. Stupid girls. Totally not awesome.
Hitting on a pastor's wife. God's going to show you how awesome that was not, buddy.
Whoever spoke the F-bomb in front of my three year old. I will not awesome up the side of your head when I find out who you are.
Parents who let their kids scream, bang spoons and run around in restaurants.
Boy smell. Moms of teenage boys, I have felt your pain.
Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana was awesome. Miley Cyrus? Not awesome. Unless she put ona few more clothes, acted less hoochie and maybe threw in a few morals.
Reality Shows. Really? Enough already.
The four thousand eight hundred trillion seventy nine million dollars and sixty two cents it takes to keep a teenage girl happy. For six hours.
The Snooki hair thing on a sixty year old. Or a six year old. Either way. Not awesome.
Granny panties. Unless you're, you know, a granny.
Dogs who barf in the middle of the night. Nasty crap that they had no right eating in the first place. On my freshly cleaned carpets. So. Not. Awesome.
So, what's not awesome in your life?
As a side note, this is dedicated to my good friend Woman in Love, who didn't make this list because she is totally awesome... sorry for the wait. Hugs and kisses!